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On making parents happy | 840

[ 5 min read ]

My Author Journey, Saturday, February 17, 2018

# 840 (countdown)



Woke up 3:15 am.

Two days ago I visited my mom and I suffered greatly that I couldn’t write as I normally would.

Of course, it wasn’t entirely impossible. If I so chose I could do it, but A/ I visit my mom sporadically and I made this pact with myself that each time when I visit her (more or less once a month for a little bit than a day) I’ll devote as much time as possible to her, by which I meant that I will not:

  • take phone calls from people other than family,
  • work during the day (will work as much as I can during the night),
  • meet other people,
  • tend to other business, etc.

and B/ my mom would probably feel that she isn’t important.

I have no problem with most of those things, but not being able to maintain my writing routine (even if it’s just one day) is hell of a challenge. I can call myself very lucky if I can squeeze in three hours in the morning (compare that to eight hours which is the norm).

I should be more relaxed as I often end up getting some inspiration from talking to my mom or interacting with people I accidentally meet while being with her. Had a chance to chat with a cobbler whose services I also used when I still lived in this city. And this conversation provided an inspiration too. It’s the silver lining, and when you look closely you'll always find it. That’s my belief.

But nonetheless I’m pissed when I can’t write.

I often wonder what my relationship with my mom would be like if I and my family lived in the same city as my mom.

Would she expect me to visit her more often and be disappointed if I didn’t? I guess she would.

Parents whose children moved out and moved to a different city or country often say they wish their children lived closer to them.

Should we as their children be glad that they crave this closeness?

Should we satisfy their needs? Should we make our life choices based on what our parents want / wish?

Should children be responsible for making the lives of their parents “perfect”? Should children make their parents’ dreams come true?

Shouldn’t parents audit their lives and at least ask themselves if the dreams they have, and if their happiness, should really be linked to someone else’s behavior/ choices? If that’s really best for them?

What if they will never audit their lives? I don’t think children should teach their parents how they should live their lives. They didn’t ask for it so I think children should keep their mouths shut as far as their parents’ life philosophy is concerned. They often can’t keep their mouths shut and this is a huge mistake in my opinion.

This causes many dilemmas, problems, or even conflicts.

For example, when my mom tells me she wished I had never moved to another city (and she immediately adds that she understands that it’s the way life is), should I sort of ignore it (treat it as childlike wishful thinking) and only tell her “Wouldn’t it be nice if we lived in the same city?”(probably the best approach when your five-year old child is sad and says he wants a cookie when there are none)?

Should I explain to her (probably for the tenth time) why I think that my decision to move to a different city was good for me and that I don’t regret it. Should I add that nonetheless I wish I lived closer to her, in an attempt to make her feel good (even if that is not what I wish necessarily)?

Or maybe I should feel guilty for having made such decision and thus potentially rendered my mom unhappy? Apparently it’s the only thing that causes the unhappiness. She didn’t mention anything else. Could I have really rendered her unhappy by making my own life choices (which were different from what she hoped for), or the unhappiness was caused not by those choices of mine, but by her expectation that my choices should match the reality of the world she dreamed up?

Who is to blame? Won’t even go into that as it would require an entire discussion on life philosophy and when their own children try to tell them that they see things differently, parents often take it personally/ treat it as an attack on them, or an attempt at undermining their life philosophy (they become defensive, instead of seeing it as a yet another, equally legitimate, life philosophy).

Should it be my obligation to make sure that my mom can live in a world she dreamed up? And if yes, whose obligation then should it be to make sure that I can live in a world I dreamed up? This can’t be my obligation for I already have a different job to do. And obviously our dreams don’t have to match. Should it be my son’s obligation? If I believed that it’s on me to make sure my mom can live in a world she dreamed up, wouldn’t it be fair if later someone else will do the same for me? Otherwise I would feel that I had been screwed and probably become very sad and bitter. That’s why I as a parent (with such mindset) should infuse my son from as early as possible with the conviction that I matter more than he himself matters and that my needs should always come first. Only when he feels that he has this obligation and that it is socially acceptable to expect that from children I can hope that he will care enough to make my dreams come true. Will live nearby, will give me a grandchild, will choose the career that will allow me to enjoy a peace of mind.

Recent listening to audio.

Linchpin: Are You Indispensable? How to drive your career and create a remarkable future by Seth Godin (on YouTube). Finished it.

Recent movies watched.

Eugene O'Neill (on YouTube). Finished it.

Biography: John Steinbeck: Am American Writer (on YouTube). Finished it.

BBC Sincerely F Scott Fitzgerald (on YouTube). Finished it.

C. S. Lewis Biography (on YouTube). Finished it.

Samuel Beckett: As the Story Was Told (on YouTube). Finished it.

Great Writers: Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn (on YouTube). Finished it.

Great Welsh Writers -Roald Dahl BBC (on YouTube). Finished it.

The Beautiful Yet Dark Mind Of Edgar Allan Poe (on YouTube). Finished it.

Leo Tolstoy (on YouTube). Finished it.

Great Souls: Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn (on YouTube). Finished it.

Ernest Hemingway, Wrestling With Life (on YouTube). Finished it.

My recent answers on Quora:

Answer to How do you know that what you want after high school is right? I’m senior going to the military after, but I don’t even know what job I want within it. I don’t even know 100% if I should serve.

Answer to I want to figure out my passion right now and have absolutely no idea what it is. What should I do to discover it as soon as possible?

Music for this writing session: David Bowie (various tracks on Spotify).