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Diary of an artist, Monday, October 15, 2018
# 775 (countdown)
Woke up 5:00 am.
I could have taken the exam again. But I saw no point in it after all this court case, this major farce. So I didn’t. I don’t know anyone else who was in a similar situation to mine (and you’re always going to meet these people when certain kind of shit happened in your lives) and who gave up on this whole being a lawyer business. They either managed to win their court cases (some did — luck could have been the factor, or something else was), or they didn’t even need to go to the court (the decision was changed in their favour by the same body which initially concluded that they failed in that exam — luck could have been the factor, or something else was), or they (the majority) simply took the exam again.
Everybody thought about all those years, money and effort which they had invested so far and which had gotten them to where they were. Should they simply give up on all of it? Should they do it, all their sacrifices, all they had done would be worthless. To them it would mean that they wasted all these years, all that effort and all that money. It isn’t something a rational person would do, is it? Being so close to the finish line and give up. Because of what? A dumb exam which turned out to be a farce?
They had to think about all their investment, how much they had to lose. Should they let their hurt feelings, and this realization that since you’re less powerful than your opponents, the merits cease to matter, ruin your potentially great career as a lawyer? No fucking way! You swallow this awfully tasting pill and take the exam anew (and, if necessary, for the third, or fourth time). That’s what all reasonable people do (those who listen to people who are older than them — especially their parents and members of their families). Besides, whose money went into it? And, what would all their friends, colleagues, peers and family say? Had they taken the exam anew, in a couple of years nobody would even remember what actually happened, and had they not taken it they would be out and all their friends, colleagues, peers and family would probably talk and conclude that it was a stupid move that ruined your career. There are certain things you need to do (even if it means compromising your values) if you want to stay in that career, they would think.
I didn’t do it. I couldn’t. I decided that I couldn’t stand the image I would see each morning in the mirror had I swallowed that awfully tasting pill and take the exam anew, like the overwhelming majority of young people who were in a similar predicament did.
Then I thought that had I not taken this whole case to the court of law, had I not initiated this fight at all (in other words, had I trusted the competence of the body commissioned with verifying the exams) and had I simply concluded that I’ll take the exam anew, it would be an entirely different story. Had I not appealed (had I not believed that I offered the right solution, had I not stand up for myself), I would probably never even discover that someone else who offered the exact same solution passed that fucking exam. Then the situation would have been different. I wouldn’t have gone through all this procedure which was pure nonsense (a mockery). I would have had no reason not to try the next year (or, if necessary, a year after that).
But I’m glad I initiated the fight. I’m glad I appealed. And I’m glad it all turned out the way it did.
Maybe in a different reality I would have never discovered that regret is pointless? Because I would have been constantly busy doing all kinds of stuff and tackling various problems for my clients as their lawyer. This I will never find out. But it’s possible that I wouldn’t have time to think and write. So although I cannot say with 100% certainty that failing in that exam and going through this farce was one of the best things (if not the best thing) that could have happened to me in life, I can at least believe so.
But it really doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t matter whether or not it was one of the best things (or the best thing) that have happened to me in life. What matters is do I enjoy what I do each day. And I do.
Reading (since my last diary entry):
Screams from the Balcony by Charles Bukowski (20 min, on scribd app).
What Shall We Do? by Leo Tolstoy (20 min, on scribd app).
Fire in the Belly: The Life and Times of David Wojnarowicz by Cynthia Carr (20 min, on scribd app).
Audiobooks (since my last diary entry):
The Master and Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov (20 min, on scribd app).
Music for this writing session: Claude Debussy (on spotify).