I am not a reasonable man | 775
I almost died | 773

Some shits are better than others | 774

[ 4 min read ]

Diary of an artist, Tuesday, October 16, 2018

# 774 (countdown)


Copy of Adulthood smooth& tasty.-11

Woke up 5:00 am.

So I could say that this lost court case was the best thing that could have happened, or the best thing that had happened in my life. That were it not for this lost court case I would have never discovered my passion and found out that at my core I’m an artist.

Many fighters conclude that something which didn’t pan out, some misfortune, fuckup, or failure, was the best thing that could have happened to them in life. That without this misfortune, fuckup, or failure certain things would not have happened in their lives. This is not true, but since they are always very confident when they say it and because people admire them (who doesn’t admire those who had lost their battles, but fought on and came on top anyway) nobody ever ponders if it’s actually true (can it be true?), let alone questions the legitimacy of such conclusions.

And they (such statements, such conclusions) are nothing but a wishful thinking.

They have told themselves (and others) so many times that story, how this misfortune, fuckup, or failure led to favourable outcomes and how nothing like it would have happened had everything gone according to their plan, that they already believe that what they say is true.

Shit, as it turns out, isn’t always that bad, ha? Can’t be if so many people then conclude that it was the best thing that could have happened to them in their lives.

But it’s bullshit, and anybody can question the legitimacy of such statements. Why? For one simple reason. We will never be able to find out what would have happened if Y happened in our lives instead of X. This is something we cannot do. We can only presume, but the value of it is questionable to say the least. Why? Because we will never possess precise data as to what this alternative scenario would be like. We can only rely on our assumptions. And our assumptions sometimes are accurate and sometimes aren’t. Besides we will fail to factor in millions of events / things about which we have no idea (because it didn’t occur to us), and they all matter because each event / thing affects other events/ things. And we change one thing in that story (Y happened instead of X) and we naively believe that it’s all it takes. That it is as simple as that. That by doing so we can figure out what would have happened (in an alternative past scenario).

And we say things like Had I not been fired from that job I would have never discovered my passion. or Had our child not been born we wouldn’t have stayed in this country.

We naively believe that we can replace one event with the other and say what the reality of the world would look like. It’s a lunacy. If one thing could have been different why not a gazillion other things? You bet everything would have been different!

Of course, some such statements (concerning some past event — not necessarily a bad one) will be true. For example Had I not met Barbara, she would have never become my wife. or Had I not met Barbara and had we not become sexual partners, this particular human being (let’s say Tom) would have never become part of our lives / would have never been born. But that’s simple. It’s obvious. Heck, nobody even talks like that, it’s that obvious. Who doesn’t get that this particular woman called Barbara couldn’t have become my wife, had I never even met her? Or, that there is no way Tom could appear on the face of the earth other than by a sexual intercourse I had with this particular woman called Barbara on this particular moment in our lives.

The things we do talk about and the alternative scenarios we in our lunacy manufacture and end up believing are never that simple. We say things like, Without his help this would have never been done. We believe that what we’ve just said is true, but it’s only one possibility and it doesn’t have to be true.

Reading (since my last diary entry):

Screams from the Balcony by Charles Bukowski (20 min, on scribd app).

What Shall We Do? by Leo Tolstoy (20 min, on scribd app).

Fire in the Belly: The Life and Times of David Wojnarowicz by Cynthia Carr (20 min, on scribd app).

Audiobooks (since my last diary entry):

The Master and Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov (10 min, on scribd app).

YouTube videos and movies (since my last diary entry):

You Don’t Know Jack (on HBO go) Finished it.

The Ides of March (on HBO go) Finished it.

Music for this writing session: Frederic Chopin (on spotify).