My style. Part 2
I still have time | 767

I understand myself | 768

[ 4 min read ]

Diary of an artist, Tuesday, November 8, 2018

# 769 (countdown)

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Copy of Adulthood smooth& tasty.-11

Woke up 4:10 am.

Met a girl 20 years younger than I am. We met yesterday on a movie set. She dropped out of college because she didn’t like it. She didn’t like the thing she picked. She picked that thing over law school where she could have studied — she passed the exam and was admitted. So now, at a young age of 21, she is figuring herself out. I think that’s smart. Recently she moved to Warsaw and started going to movie sets to earn some money.

I felt that she felt the need to explain these decisions to me. Which she didn’t have to do at all. It doesn’t matter if I understand them. But, quite accidentally, I do. At first I felt that too, to some extent. But then I quickly reminded myself that I don’t need anybody’s understanding. I don’t give a crap if someone is able to understand. I don’t predicate my decisions on other people’s ability to understand them. They don’t need to understand. If they’re unable to understand (like some members of my family) why should it be my problem? It’s them who don’t understand. I understand myself.

I guess it’s this need to fit in, to be accepted by people, to belong to some group. In groups we feel better. Actually it’s In groups we feel better? I don’t know if that’s true for all of us. Everybody is telling us that we need to belong somewhere. What if that’s just a yet another cliché we repeat after our parents (who repeated it after theirs, etc.)?

Maybe we’ve evolved and that’s no longer the absolute truth? Maybe being a loner is fine? If some people like to be loners, why couldn’t it be fine? What, should they force themselves to be around likeminded people (guess most people can’t stand being around people who aren’t likeminded for long) in order to validate some longstanding belief of those who are convinced that people can’t / shouldn’t isolate themselves?

Or maybe it’s about this need to be able to relate to people who are more or less like you (who are from the same culture). There’s this assumption (we assume) that since we’re from the same class of people (hence from one culture) we should be able to relate to each other. We should be able to nod in agreement. To share most beliefs.

If I grew up in a middle class household and she grew up in a middle class household aren’t we supposed to relate to each other with ease? And because in most middle class households almost everybody believes that there is a proper way to build your career and live your life (and people who choose to do things differently will definitely regret it — that’s what members of those households are told) there’s this feeling of discomfort which occurs when you start doing things differently. You feel that you’re doing it wrong and that you need to defend your own decisions. Which, of course, means that the assumption is in people that by following the script (doing what adults / people older than you tell you you should do) you can’t screw up. Which is a wishful thinking on the part of all these adults. They want to believe that they did the right thing, or even better — that nothing will ever trump what they did (nothing will ever produce better or just as good results). That’s exactly what they like to believe.

Reading (since my last diary entry):

Screams from the Balcony by Charles Bukowski (140 min, on scribd app).

Human, All-Too-Human: A Book for Free Spirits by Friedrich Nietzsche (40 min, on scribd app).

Fire in the Belly: The Life and Times of David Wojnarowicz by Cynthia Carr (140 min, on scribd app).

Audiobooks (since my last diary entry):

Women: A Novel by by Charles Bukowski (100 min, on scribd app).

YouTube videos and movies (since my last diary entry):

The 12th Man (Den 12. mann — original title) (on HBO go) Finished it.

Taboo 1.1 (on HBO go) Finished it.

Taboo 1.2 (on HBO go) Finished it.

Taboo 1.3 (on HBO go) Finished it.

Taboo 1.4 (on HBO go) Finished it.

Taboo 1.5 (on HBO go) Finished it.

Taboo 1.6 (on HBO go) Finished it.

Taboo 1.7 (on HBO go) Finished it.

Taboo 1.8 (on HBO go) Finished it.

Going in Style (on HBO go) Finished it.

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them: Before Harry Potter (on HBO go) Finished it.

Burnig Bush (Horící ker — original title) 1.1 (on HBO go) Finished it.

Burnig Bush (Horící ker — original title) 1.2 (on HBO go) Finished it.

Burnig Bush (Horící ker — original title) 1.3 (on HBO go) Finished it.

Show Me a Hero 1.1 (on HBO go) Finished it.

Show Me a Hero 1.2 (on HBO go) Finished it.

Game of Thrones Winter Is Coming (on HBO go) Finished it.

Game of Thrones Winter The Kingsroad (on HBO go) Finished it.

Game of Thrones Lord Snow (on HBO go) Finished it.

The Song of Sway Lake (on HBO go) Finished it.

Music for this writing session: Sergei Rachmaninoff (on spotify).