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On being a father | 769

[ 3 min read ]

Diary of an artist, Tuesday, November 8, 2018

# 769 (countdown)


Copy of Adulthood smooth& tasty.-11

Woke up 3:10 am.

The day before yesterday we were shooting a commercial. Smart home appliances. Was on a set with a 6 year old girl who played my daughter.
As most six-year-olds she was full of energy and, apart from that, she was very outgoing and cheerful. An animated joyous child, afraid of nothing, intimidated by no one.

Was very surprised by what happened on the set. I’m an adoptee and I always wondered what it felt like for my adoptive parents to be my parents — especially what it felt like when they took me to their home and started acting like (being) my parents. I wondered what feelings they had for me. How is such love different from the love biological parents feel for their own children. I have my own biological child so I never had the chance to figure out what it feels like for a parent to have an adopted child.

During one take the girl (she’s called Maria) called me daddy and asked me to take her by the hand. I melted. I didn’t see it coming. It was a total surprise to me. I wasn’t mentally prepared to become anybody’s adoptive father. It was all just a movie set. We were playing. It’s supposed to be fake, all of it. Maybe it was how she said it? I don’t know.

It probably means that I wasn’t behaving professionally. I’m not a pro actor, so I guess I wasn’t (behaving professionally). Or? Maybe some pro actors had the same (or similar) experience? Prior to that set I played boyfriends, dates, husbands, uncles, other close family members, but I never felt anything even remotely similar. And the girl didn’t expect me to adopt her. She wasn’t waiting for someone like me to appear in her life and offer my parental love to her.

It got me thinking about the relationship between adoptive parents and their adoptive child. I guess the way the child behaves, how he or she treats you, the way he or she calls you, has a tremendous effect on how you feel in this new role. It’s this blind acceptance that gets you. Guess it’s even stronger when you actually adopted a child (or are considering it).

Guess there is something in us (most of us) that compels us to take care of this young human being and there is this mechanism which makes it super easy — you become emotionally involved, you feel that you’ve been fully accepted and that you’re needed, that you have this important role to play.

Reading (since my last diary entry):

Screams from the Balcony by Charles Bukowski (80 min, on scribd app).

Human, All-Too-Human: A Book for Free Spirits by Friedrich Nietzsche (40 min, on scribd app).

Fire in the Belly: The Life and Times of David Wojnarowicz by Cynthia Carr (80 min, on scribd app).

Audiobooks (since my last diary entry):

Women: A Novel by by Charles Bukowski (200 min, on scribd app).

YouTube videos and movies (since my last diary entry):

Outside the Bubble: On the Road with Alexandra Pelosi (on HBO go) Finished it.

John Adams Unite or Die (on HBO go) Finished it.

John Adams Unnecessary War (on HBO go) Finished it.

Kidding Pusillanimous (on HBO go) Finished it.

Kidding Every Pain Needs a Name (on HBO go) Finished it.

Kidding Bye, Mom (on HBO go) Finished it.

Kidding The New You (on HBO go) Finished it.

Music for this writing session: The Way (on spotify).